Things that change

This Friday, I decided to go on a hiking after a long time. Thankfully, the great falls park locates only 30 minutes away from where I live. Friday morning allowed me to enjoy the benefit of light traffic and got me to my destination with a relaxed and joyful heart.

Green, green and more green. I could not find even a small trace of winter anywhere in the park.

The winter has gone. All the snow covered trees and the icy breeze I claim that I still remember and even feel when I close my eyes have just disappeared like they were never there.

As time goes by, things change. The color of the trees, smell of the air, people's outfit and many other things... Just like from extra hot cafe latte to frozen frappuccino in my hand.

We all look forward to those little or big changes all through our lives. Probably, that's what keeps us to keep go on and live. Waiting for different things to happen and feel alive watching and live through them.

However, sometimes, I feel that I don't want any more change in my life.

Sometimes I wish I have this little perfect schedule that I can follow everyday so I don't need to worry about what I am going to or should do tomorrow.

Everything is so predictable that I can just relax and have no doubt in my mind.

No ups and downs in my life?? This may make me look like a control freak.

I also cannot deny that loosing control is one of my biggest fears.

But I am in a process of learning to admit the change and just deal with it. No matter how much I want the situation to stay just the way it is, things always change. Facing the change is not the easiest or the happiest thing to do and makes us scared to death sometimes. However, this is life. Just step by step, we deal with the change and keep go on. All we have to do is to realize that we all do have the power and the strength to keep walking through the woods of our life. A change never is the end.

CHOCOLAT - about letting ourselves live a life in full.

In this little French village, everything looks just calm and perfect. It's so calm, it even feels like everything in the world lost its color and became a still picture on the wall.

They prohibit every little thing that can bring personal pleasure, so they can live their peaceful yet well controlled life. However, it seemed like they were punishing themselves by not letting themselves have sense of joy or indulgence.

We punish ourselves many times in our life with or without intention. Why do we do that? For what? Do we punish ourselves for all the mistakes and failures that we caused in the life? Sometimes even become so afraid of future mistakes and all the blames that follow, we just keep ourselves in a small box, blocking the world from getting into us. Actually, it is not blocking the world. We block ourselves in the box and never let us out, so we do not make the same old mistakes again and again.

The problem is, where the life goes? What do we feel inside?

How long should we punish ourselves to feel satisfied and relieved? In this way, we can never feel forgiven or set free. Only when we stand up on our feet and live again, we gain the true control over our life and feel free. The cold yet fresh air will fill up our lung and let us breathe again.

A girl, once over-weight and very sad, is so afraid of getting weight again and never lets herself truly appreciate the deliciousness of foods. The joy of sharing good meals with friends. The rich aroma comes from the kitchen of her favorite restaurant. All the things she gave up for her little perfect body are now killing her inside. Making her empty and dry, just like the 5-calorie whole grain cracker she got from the cheap diet program.

One day, she tastes one bite of her favorite dark-mint chocolate and she cries. The sweetness on the tip of her tongue makes her speechless. The caffeine makes her heart pump so hard, she feels like it's going to explode. She feels the joy of life, but soon the anxiety kicks back and makes her more nervous than ever. This one small bite leads to so many WHAT IFs.

What is I loose control again...what if I get fat again...what if I became another failure and let everyone down...what if...what if...

What if no one loves me anymore......

Now she can either spit out that small piece of joy and go back to her small cage waiting for someone to save her (which will never happen), or she can just easily swallow the chocolate, enjoy the moment and go outside and run until her heart gets warm again. The moment she opens the door and step outside the house, her life begins again and everything goes back to normal.

Not perfect but normal. All the stupid mistakes, failures, blames and forgiveness. The life full of passion, anxiousness and happy pains.